From the mind of CP, Denver caught it first!

Less than a month from now will be the anniversary of Albert Einstein's birthday.

He was born March 14, 1879. Few remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

It was called Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty

some fun things from good old Trent in Nashpatch

THE APPOINTMENT

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared anoffice with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled withPatients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that theReceptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo Wrestler.He gave her his name.In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAMEHERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGEOPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."




The Elderly man walked into his local drugstoreand asked his pharmacist for Viagra.The pharmacist asked, "How many?"The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces." he explained.The pharmacist said, "That is too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."The old fellow said, "Oh, I am eighty-five years old and I don't even think about sex anymore.

"Then why the Viagra" His pharmiacist asked? To which he replied"I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes.


An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the jud ge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, " What is it? " The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

Florida falls to da V O L S

Somewhere in the first half when we were down by 11 I realized it was past time for my pain meds, by the time I took them and filled a bag with ice it was half time.

Even though you could smell the home cookin all the way to Chattanooga, da Vols found a way, came back and nailed those children to the barn wall.

Only down side of the evening was that LSU won, but they did beat Vandy so that helped.
Great game for UT!

How much more can we take from our leader???

Bush Fails To Prevent East Coast Blizzard - Minorities Hit Hardest

As President Bush and his staff sit comfortably in the White House, the snow continued to pile up on the many poor and African American victims in the D.C. area who could not afford to get out of town or to safety in Florida. Crucial supplies of blankets, hot cocoa, popcorn, gold jewelry, plasma TVs, Colt 45 and dark rum - so essential tosurviving the stress of any major snowstorm lay in stores undelivered.

"Where is the government? I need my sidewalk shovelled so I can get out to buy my danged lottery tickets!" said one D.C. resident from his living room. "Why are we wasting money in Iraq when we could be spending it here on me?"


Progressive blogs blasted the President for his inaction. "We find thetiming terribly suspicious - just as the Domestic Spying hearings kick into high gear, what happens? A major northeast Blizzard. Why now?" wrote one blogger.Hearings into the Blizzards' effect on hearings are almost a> certainty. Howard Dean has suggested he will call for an> investigation once his new medications kick in and John Kerry took a break from his winter ski vacation in Aspen to call for new> legislation outlawing snowstorms. '

"The Republican Congress has dropped the ball once again. I have always been a staunch supporter of anti-snow legislation, except for certain locations where I ski. Snow has no business on our roads and the President and Congress know that."

Calls for impeachment over "SnowGate" as some are calling it already are mounting as deeply as the snow itself, and what will be discovered underneath will prove to have a truly chilling effect on the> Republicans, as the inevitable thaw proceeds.

This just in.... More breaking news...Jesse Jackson wants an investigation as to why snow is ALWAYS white. It is reported that Dick Cheney has stock in Tru-Value Hardware. Do you have any idea how many SNOW SHOVELS they sold today to the unsuspecting consumer? The American people will demand to know why FEMA has been so late in> reacting to this storm. THEY KNEW IT WAS COMING! And yet they failed to have crews in place to fix the electricity as soon as it went off.

It just shows that Bush and the Republicans just don't care about the people in the northeast. The Senate needs to investigate this with administration personnel under oath. We speculate that the junior senato r from N.Y. has opened the doors of> her Long Island mansion to all of the heatless poor of her neighborhood and is busy baking cookies for them while her husband applies body heat to the nearly frozen teen-aged girls.

Happy birthday MOM!

My Mother celebrated her 90th birthday on Saturday by wearing her new birthday coat to a late lunch with a few of her running buddies.

Naturally the host screwed the thing up and reserved the beanery for 4 pm (the time of tip off for UT and ALA) but got lucky because after the grub was shoveled down the boys got to move to the bar to catch most of the second half.


The birthday party was outstanding, the game was just a mess.

sniffff out some investment tips for 2006

Investment tips for 2006.... for all of you with any money left, be
aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the
ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2006.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.
R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces
and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will
merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become: Knott NOW!
And finally
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new
name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

My new BUD

Had some work done on my knee a few days ago and have now joined those what hoppppp around on sticks.

If you ever have a knee repaired or tuned up or whatever be SURE to get miles ahead of the pain curve. I didn't and the first night was just great fun. If your instructions say once very six hours, then ratchet that up to once every 2 hours!

Ice is your buddy, but make sure you have a BIG bag to put all around you knee. Naturally I had these things that were so small you couldn't get a third of yesterdays pickle in them.

Eat before you dope up! Pills are your friend but they can make you call for Ralph O Roric big time.

Last, moan and grown to everyone around you and if they get sick of hearing you...CALL someone! No joke the more you can explain in deep detail the pain and how you got it the better you will feel.

Walker and CP back on the radio, sort of

"You know what they say, if Dick Cheney comes out of his hole and shoots an old man in the face, six more weeks of winter


"When the ambulance got there, out of force of habit they put Cheney on the stretcher. No, the other guy!"


I’d rather hunt with Dick Cheney
than take a drive with Ted Kennedy.

"Honestly, I don't know what all of the fuss is about. What's more American than shooting your hunting buddy in the ass?"

"It's part of the president's new Social Security plan. Once you hit 78, kablamo."

There was so much snow in Washington, D.C. Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fat guy thinking it was a polar bear."

When people found out he shot a lawyer his popularity is now at 92%"

Rockford Olympics

After trying to watch the opening and then a few events this weekend of the winter Olympics I was just overcome with the suckatude of both the NBC broadcast AND the massive teeth on the participants being interviewed. So, I rounded up a few of the 6 for $9.99 plastic solar yard lights, some pots with dead mums and my baby Weber, placed them all on the upper deck and lit the torch for the first annual Rockford winter Olympics.

Snow beades or is it beeds?

OK, the big killer snow storm never made it today, but TONIGHT our local NEWS KING tried to tell us we were being hit with snow beads, or beeds (never heard of either so who knows). Naturally I rallied the dawgs and we crawled across the now white deck to record this phenomena! The deck was slick, first time today and the snow was odd looking, but because it was after 11 on a Saturday night and I was going to bed I filed it way back in my worry cabinet.

Earlier I fired up the radio and listened to UT beat Georgia and OWN the SEC in BB. We are actually going to the big dance and we might even last more than a game or two!

Later I tried to watch the Olympics but caught it at a bad time. Couples ice dancing is not a sport it is an art form and unless you appreciate said form it is a mega bore. The NBC shills trying to announce the thing stunk it up big time. Dripping with LOVE for even those who fell on their sequins, they forgot about the deal in Utah when the entire event was crooked as a dawgs back leg. Anyway, the Olympics are ok but trust me NBC is just marking time. I did like watching a 52 year old woman fly down a hill on a cafeteria tray! I think she was from the Virgin Islands (Cool runnings without the Red Stripe) but I am not sure. Kind of nice to see someone get off a sled with a midriff bulge and an AARP sponsorship!

How about an old AMISH joke???

I KNOW IT IS AN OLD JOKE! Still, it makes me giggle.

An Amish couple had just been married and went to a hotel for their wedding night. The man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said it was their honeymoon and they wanted a very nice room.The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?"The Amish fellow thought about it for a second and then replied, "No, Iguess not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

Little snow, but BIGGUN around the corner

Last night we had this fat, thick, wet, first snow of the season and tomorrow night the word from those in the know is we are going to get da big daddy?

Tonight the LADY VOLS (a PC term for girls basketball) lost to LSU. Only reason I care is I hate LSU, remember Brown coming onto the floor and trying to neck slap a Vol that showed up Shack? Yep, same school.

Up side is we can now put girls ball out of our minds and enjoy this new world of PEARL! Saturday the men of PEARL are headed to GA, trust me beating Georgia in ANY sport is just a combo hot flash and a shiver! March we are going to see the MEN OF UT at the big dance. Last time that happened I did not wear glasses, had a high paying radio job and didn't have to pay fifty bigguns for a hair cut to make me look like I still have HAIR! Da men are just a fun thing to watch, join them if you can in Ga or catch them on da TV.


PS If it snows I am ready, bought five cases of fire logs (normal price 14.95, Home Dep had them for 8!) and two pounds of lonsdale ham to go with my loaf of white bread, bring on the snow!

NOT the road to Brokebutt Mountain

This is not the road to Brokehole Mountain, although many who have seen the movie believe it is. First if you will look closely this is NOT sheep country and second there are no beauty
parlors or rest stop men's rooms anywhere in sight!
If you have yet to see the movie, Brokeit Mountain, you might just hold off and hang around for the spin offs. Here is a small list of those in production at this time.
PRANCES WITH WOLVES
JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON
THE PLEASURE OF THE SIERRA, PADRE BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID
THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE
PAINT YOUR FAG ON
HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG
THE WILD BRUNCH
HE WORE A YELLOW RIBBON
THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER
DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID
VERY RAW HIDE
LONESOME DOUG
THE HOARSE SOLDIERS
DESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAIN
MCCABE AND MR. MILLER
HI, PLAINS DRIFTER!
THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN INCHES
QUICKLY DOWN UNDER
BAREBACK MOUNTING
BONE-NANZA
DON'T MESS WITH TEX' ASS
HOME ON THE RANGER
OKLAHOMO> > > Brokeback Mountain Weekly Grocery Lists> >
WEEK ONE> · Beans > · Bacon > · Coffee > · Whiskey > >

WEEK TWO> · Beans > · Ham > · Coffee > · Whiskey > >


WEEK THREE> · Beans al fresca > · Thin-sliced Bacon > · Hazelnut Coffee > · Sky vodka & Tanqueray gin > · K-Y gel > >

WEEK FOUR> · Beans en salade > · Pancetta > · Coffee (espresso grind) > · 5-6 bottles best Chardonnay > · 2 tubes K-Y gel > >

WEEK FIVE> · Fresh Fava beans > · Jasmine rice > · Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced > · Medallions of veal > · Porcini mushrooms > · 1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream > · 1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long > · 5-6 bottles French Bordeaux (Estate Reserve) > · 1 extra large bottle Astro-glide > >

WEEK SIX> · Yukon Gold potatoes > · Heavy whipping cream > · Asparagus (very thin) > · Organic Eggs > · Spanish Lemons > · Gruyere cheese (well aged) > · Crushed Walnuts > · Arugula > · Clarified Butter > · Extra Virgin Olive oil > · Pure Balsamic vinegar > · 6 yards white silk organdy > · 6 yards pale ivory taffeta > · 3 Cases of Dom Perignon Masters Reserve > · Large tin Crisco > >

at LAST!

Anyone remember screaming "SIT DOWN JOE B" years ago? Man, what fun this was tonight. Tonight there was a press release talking about a 60 dollar bus ride that includes a ticket and a box lunch to the GA game on Saturday. If you wanta go call the UT Athletic Department.

Tennessee working on raise, contract extension for Pearl KNOXVILLE, Tenn. (AP) - Tennessee officials believe coach Bruce Pearl has already earned the right to have one of the top salaries in the Southeastern Conference.
Athletic director Mike Hamilton, who hired Pearl in March, said Wednesday that officials have started talking about extending Pearl's contract and giving him a raise.
"I think he will be one of the highest paid coaches in the conference," Hamilton said. "Right now he's in the middle of the pack with his salary. If we're going to have a program that aspires to be one of the top three or four programs in the league on a regular, consistent basis that comes at a cost. That's the direction we'll probably need to continue to head."
Pearl replaced Buzz Peterson, who was fired after four mediocre seasons. The No. 11 Vols (17-3, 8-1) beat Kentucky on Tuesday for only the fourth time ever in Rupp Arena, and they appear to be headed for the NCAA tournament for the first time since 2001.
Pearl's current contract is for five years through the end of the 2009-2010 season with a total package worth $800,000.
Kentucky's Tubby Smith leads the SEC with annual pay of a little over $2 million while Florida coach Billy Donovan makes about $1.7 million a year. Alabama coach Mark Gottfried signed a new contract in June worth $1 million a year.
Peterson's contract was worth $769,500 a year. Hamilton didn't say how much the raise would be or whether the new contract would be finished before the end of the season. Officials are "just kicking around ideas," he said.
The new fear among Tennessee fans - thrilled about the success Pearl has brought - is that Pearl will leave for a better job. Hamilton said he is asked that at least once a day.
"I can tell you for anybody who has a fear that we're not thinking about it or working on it, that fear is unfounded," Hamilton said.
The team's success also has boosted the athletic department's campaign to build a new practice facility for the men and women in a parking lot beside Thompson-Boling Arena. Construction could begin this summer or fall, Hamilton said.
Luxury suites around the arena are in the works, too. In November, the athletic department had five suites promised to donors, and now there are 21 spoken for at an initial down payment of $5,000 each. The total is expected to be between 26 and 32 based on the size of the suites.
The earliest they could be completed is in the 2007-08 season. Pearl is the third-highest paid coach at Tennessee. Football coach Phillip Fulmer makes $2.05 million annually, and Lady Vols coach Pat Summitt is paid $824,500 a year.
Pearl's current contract provides him with a bonus for postseason play. For instance, he would receive $36,000 or 16% of his base pay of $225,000, for earning a bid to the NCAA tournament.
The most he could get is 32% of his base pay or $72,000 for winning the NCAA championship. Winning the SEC East would pay 20% or $45,000.
He would receive only one bonus for the highest finish. The bonuses are not cumulative.

Granddawgs

Stashed deep in the root cellar of the old plantation were these black and white pictures of Denver and Molly's GREAT GRANDDAWG PARENTS! I cleaned them up and managed to get them into the blog. Now my expansive technology showed me the ancestors were on point, watching a band of Native American Savages as they came screaming into the fort. Sorry, couldn't get all of that into the frame so just take my word for it. Still, what a HISTORIC picture this is!

This morning I was the invited guest of Southern Roots Radio, 1180 and 1120. Kids they played THREE different renditions of DIXIE and lord help did it do me proud to be there as it belched into the vast morning air!


We talked bout all things conservative and I even got to crack on the local TV stations news
kids. My big female dawg (that's bitch for you southern Baptists) was that all three of our stations are much better than most we watch when we are sequestered in a Motel 4 the night of the Daytona 500. The key is overall leadership and right now locally only WBIR has the foundation that is needed to kick major donkey in the over nights. Sorry, 6 is working on it but not getting there and 8 has one hell of a team of talent but their News Director is just a lost damn lamb!

That said, let me ask you this..and yes you can respond by clicking the comment doober at the end of this thing...DON'T you thing for an UGLY OLD MAN, I have some dang beautiful dawgs?

PC NOTE!

Important Political Correctness AnnouncementNOTE:


Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans, and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

column is now on line!

The new column is now on line and if you would like to read it just dash over to hallsnews.com and click on my name. THANKS!